SOMEBODY that I USED to know…

Somebody That I used to know…
Everything was perfect…I was there with her…on a weekend…on the Sunday morning. I took her out to a movie…which I promised her that I’ll watch only with her. We had a great lunch at our favourite ‘Sukh Sagar’ in Bangalore. We always placed the same order…as somehow we worked that it was the best combination that the restaurant offered. It was my most loved thing…to take her out to eat. As most of the girls today hardly eat…I took it as a duty…as my responsibility…that every time we will be together…she would eat nicely…at least to my satisfaction. After the meal…we sauntered here and there…from malls…to lake, from Majestic to Marathalli. Some stray clouds lost their way and ended up in Bangalore…making the evening a pleasant one. On my sister’s request we landed up at her place. She took it on herself to prepare the dinner for both of us. It was an awesome feast.
It was around 2 am that we decided to take a nap…and my sister gave a mat to Suhan and me as it was a small rented place that she lived in with only 2 rooms. It was the first time that in spite of her being there with me…I could not sleep…the whole night. Even if my eyes gave way…the uneasiness in my heart never left me…never allowed me to doze off. I looked at her…she was in a deep sleep…my arm was her pillow that night. The sight was so peaceful and soothing with the dim moon light through the window…embracing her beauty. If you are in love…it’s the best sight…watching your love sleeping right next to you…feeling secure in your arms.
I moved very close to her…so close that I was breathing in her breathe. I slowly started kissing her modestly all over her face…very small and minute ones…so that I don’t wake her up. Then I went to her cheeks…started blinking my eyes…so that my eyelashes were the only thing touching her cheeks. It was one of the most awe-inspiring feelings…it brought a little smile to her face…she knew that only I did this to her…to make her feel better…to make her feel wonderful…to make her feel loved ( for everyone out there in love…do try this…it’s my unique way to say…I love u). For a moment I even forgot the anonymous uneasiness that was disquieting me.
The weekend got over and it was Monday, August 3rd 2009 and it was time for me to leave for Mysore from Bangalore. I had to catch the early bus to Mysore otherwise I would have been late for that day’s work. I was busy tying the laces in a hurry…when…suddenly…I realized…droplets on my shoe. To my surprise…it was nothing else but my own tears. I could not believe myself…there was a smile on my face and tears in my eyes at the same time. She was standing across the room by the window. I looked at her through my tears…but to my shock…this time…for the very first time…she didn’t care to wipe them off. Everything that was circulating in my mind and body…from the night…started converging towards a centre…finally. I began to realize…began to understand…that this was all God’s plan…He was trying to make me understand throughout the night…that the one whom I am watching in a peaceful sleep…was about to snatch away my PEACE forever.
My heart began to sink…I gathered all what was left in me and walked towards her. She shattered me by saying, “Shammi…I am moving to Pune…and I guess this is the last time that we are meeting”. Every cell in my body cried out…every spore screamed… ‘why Suhan why!!!’. What did I do to deserve this? If loving and caring for someone insanely was a crime…then I was a criminal. I always told her, “the day you find someone better than me…you can go ahead and leave me”. I don’t know whether she found someone else or not…but yeah she did leave me. From that very day onwards…I m leading a fake life…to the extent…that today I don’t recognize which one of my emotion is real or fake. Every time I confront with the wind…a burning sensation lights me up…as if someone has put me on fire. There are days…when I sit n think n become silent…to the point that I want my head to blast into pieces. I feel as if I am beginning to lose myself and will end up in a mental asylum one day. And then there are those nights…on which…my wet pillow quietly informs me that I washed away the whole night with my tears. There are moments when I feel like…I should go to her and slap her for what she made of me and my life…but the very next moment I realize that I am in so much love with that soul that I even can’t imagine shouting at her. Without you…even the oxygen begins to suffocate me. Everything that is a PAIN today…was the only reason for my HAPPINESS once.

Someday I’ll go out in the open… ask the vultures…to come…and bite me…eat my flesh…bite by bite…instigate pain…just to get rid of THAT pain. One of my friends asked, “Is she still with you”…to which I always reply…yeah still with me…in me…as my soul. People say move on…forget her…to which I have one reply…I have moved on..it’s just that I can’t forget the only reason for my existence. It’s more like…whatever you say…the frequencies or the words always remain in the atmosphere…My love for her is more like that…It will remain…FOREVER. If ever I try to forget her…I find it difficult to LIVE…to BREATHE.

Every day I get up…the first thing I do…is to remember you. Every day when I go to bed…I think of you. Every time I eat…my first bite is for you. Every time I worship…I pray for you. Every time I read…I read your lines. Every time I hear…I want to hear you voice. Every time I smell…I want it to be your fragrance. Every time I close my eyes…I see you. Every time I see myself… I think I am alive…just for you. And if that’s not enough…every time I breathe…I just breathe for you…
Please relieve me of this pain and if not…then free me of this human life.
It’s now that when I want to take my heart back…I realize that it’s dissolved in you.
Chalo then nikalata hu….time to go out in the wind and see how much it burns today…
No GOODBYES today…It’s a SAD PAINFUL END…but still…
For all those who are in PAIN,
For all those who love someone like insane,
For all those who can’t let go,
For all those who will Love them FOREVER,
And
For all those who will die with their LOVE…
It’s not a GOODBYE…
But it’s a GOOD BYE…aur han no questions please…
MANAS “SAMEER” MUKUL